Saturday, October 22, 2016

My "Mini-Healing" Session with Carol

My eyes have really been opened the last few months to patterns that I've created in my life that have been really unhealthy, both physically and emotionally. I've realized that I do and don't do things so that people won't think that I think I'm better than anyone else.

I guess it started when I was in the 4th grade and moved into a really affluent neighborhood. For the next 10+ years we felt like we were treated like the poor white trash of the neighborhood, with people making comments about our old beat up cars and lack of nice clothes. I wasn't welcomed into the group of girls my age, who were all popular, because I wasn't cute or popular enough.

(Not very cute, but I was a very nice girl!)

My other sisters really felt it as well, and as we've talked about it now that we're adults, we've realized that several of us have taken on the same pattern that I have. We don't blame anyone in the past for their behavior, because it's always up to us to choose how we'll react to things. I certainly didn't need to take that on and feel bad about myself, but I did and so now I have to deal with the consequences of that choice.

For example:

- One of my earlier posts about "The Hostess with the Mostess".... Quite an innocent comment really, but because I don't want anyone to feel like I'm trying to outdo anyone else, I stopped having people over for nice dinners. I really enjoyed doing it too, but completely stopped! Can you believe how ridiculous?!?

- We added on to our house 2 years ago. Whenever anyone comes over to see it and comments on how nice it is, I immediately have to explain that we added an apartment downstairs for Todd's aunt (who died before it was finished) and that she gave us some money to do it. (We would have done it anyway in a few more years, but we did it sooner because of her). I have an element of embarrassment sometimes when people come over to my house because I don't want them to think we're snotty and think that we're better than anyone else.

- Several weeks ago Carol Tuttle, who is the author of "Remembering Wholeness" and "It's Just My Nature" and who developed the Dressing Your Truth program, emailed my sisters and me and said that she'd like us to be a part of a video for her blog. We've become good friends over the last few years and have gone out to dinner with her several times and she has noticed that we each carry physical issues that we've had a hard time getting rid of. She knows that we've struggled with a few things and thought that she could help us get rid of some of the issues we've been having. Mine is my weight.

As she started my "healing session" she picked up on this pattern of my need to make sure other people don't feel bad, which goes along with my Type 2 nature of wanting everyone to be okay and feel comfortable. About the middle of the session I kept seeing myself in a situation that happened when I was about 27 years old when I went to go visit one of my best friends who was living in California. When Carol paused towards the end of the session and asked if I had any questions, I told her about the situation and I started bawling on camera. It was really embarrassing, but watching it back and thinking about it for the last few weeks has really made me realize this limiting belief I've had for so long has carried into so many aspects of my adult life. (It was about that time that I started putting on weight). It was so eye opening!!!

So, I'm now on a quest to love myself more, not put myself down, and not make myself "less than" just so that someone else doesn't feel uncomfortable. It may take me a little while to get rid of all of the old beliefs and programs I've had, but I have felt so much happier and more at peace the last few weeks since filming that than I ever have before.

So, here's to my quest of becoming healthy emotionally and physically!!

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